Evangelion Sauce
by UnderAGlassMoon
Summary: The Evangelion story retold with a dash of sauce. What kind of sauce you may ask? Well, to be honest, I don't know.
1. A Bad Year for Real Estate Agents

**Evangelion Sauce**

_The Evangelion story retold with a dash of sauce. What kind of sauce, you may ask? Well, I don't know, to be honest. That leaves no hope for the rest of you._

_This fic is inspired partly by the global reccession and partly by my impulsive randomness so do enjoy.  
_

_This 1st chapter is a testbed for this fic. I would like to know from you keen readers whether this is worth continuing or not so do review with your valued opinions! If it proves not to be worth the effort/hours/air/blood/sweat/tears then I'll probably discontinue this as it was random and impulsive and I'll continue with my other fics. Otherwise, I'll be taking this up as well!  
_

Disclaimer: Evangelion and any other commerical brands and franchises I may have mentioned in this fic don't belong to me. I don't get paid for this.

* * *

**Chapter 1: A Bad Year For Real Estate Agents  
**

There had never been a worse time to be a real estate agent in Tokyo-3 than the year 2015. Along with plummeting house and land prices along with a demand which was among the heavenly departed, real estate agent suicides were at an all time high. It was also a bad time for property developers. In Tokyo-3 you were guaranteed to lose money or even lose the property if you were really unlucky and as a property developer, such a no win situation was never satisfactory. However, such times of crisis even allow their fair share winners. Sales of citywide alarms and air raid sirens had skyrocketed, providing small fortunes for those lucky enough to be in that trade. Construction firms were also building their way to pay day with so many buildings getting destroyed, there was always a need to replace the lost structures or even build new ones altogether. Infrastructure was also a favourite of the construction trade to replace as they kept the cash flowing. The fact that many of the residential buildings never sold was of no concern to the construction firms; they had done their jobs and got the cheque to prove it.

More winners included the defence contractors and their associated firms. With demand for tanks, aircraft and weapons at an all time high in a terror that has stricken the entire planet, when you made a gun, someone was sure to buy it. In the USA, there are 5 times more guns than people due to people turning to the good old 2nd Amendment of the Constitution in order to defend themselves and the people who made those guns were all smiles because the goods they provided were sold at full price which meant the food goes on the table. What most unsuspecting gun owners didn't realise was that a $10 revolver bought at your local supermarket wasn't really going to be of much use against the enemies the world was up against these days. However, in the usual fashion of American ignorance, the citizens bore arms anyway and, let's be honest, who's to stop them?

Ironically, one of the losers has been the military. They too, are completely ineffective in dealing with the current threat to global security and the fate of mankind. Such is the ineffectiveness of the military against the Angel menace which causes the destruction of millions of dollars worth of military equipment which calls for the replacement of the annihilated hardware. Thus, a vicious circle is formed where the military keeps losing and defence contractors keep winning. Young men and women die to give the corporation bosses their bonuses which, with all things considered, is status quo, really. Another winner of this global crisis, oddly enough, are plush doll makers, especially of the 'kawaii' variety. This one is a real conundrum and many think tanks and panel upon panel of economic experts have no idea why people are buying more plush dolls. Some theorised that maybe having such a doll can brighten your day when your home is destroyed by a wayward positron rifle shot. Others simply shrug their shoulders and give an honest, 'I don't know'.

A major loser of this crisis has been the designated pilot of Evangelion Unit 01. A boy of a shy disposition, being forced to pilot a giant robot you have never seen or heard of by your father, who you haven't spoken to in three years, to kill a giant, black, walking monster which has already proven to be impervious to tactical non-nuclear weapons would immediately place you on the 'losers' list for the 2015 session. Despite defeating the angel, Shinji Ikari unfortunately is most definitely a loser. A lonely child with a deceased mother and a father who abandoned him at a young age, Shinji has always regarded that loser spirit close to his heart. Socially reclusive, Shinji has also found it difficult to make friends and score chicks. His odd relationship with his father also raises the question; is Gendo Ikari really just a big old asshole or is Shinji just a wimp?

"The angel self-destructing damaged a lot of the surrounding city," Ritsuko Akagi noted, softly nibbling at the end of the pen she held firmly in her right hand.

"Don't tell me…?" Captain Misato Katsuragi uttered with a beleaguered expression consuming her face. "…Damage reports?"

"And most probably a casualty report…No, make that definitely a casualty report. There were some people in the buildings that were vaporised by the explosion," Ritsuko noted, rather deadpan as well considering the loss of innocent life.

"Aye-yi-yi," was all Misato could produce from her mouth in her deflated mood. "How about Shinji? Has he woken up yet?"

"Not yet," Ritsuko replied. "You know, I always wondered whether Shinji would have it in him. He didn't. He got the crap kicked out of him and Unit 01."

"Cut him some slack, it was his first time," Misato pointed out with a depressed sigh at the prospect of doing paperwork in the near future. "We were lucky enough that he chose to pilot it. There was no other pilot."

Well, actually, there was another pilot. Rei Ayanami if names are to be mentioned. However, she was in no fit state to pilot having been forcefully ejected from a berserk Unit 00, causing her some pretty grievous bodily harm. That didn't stop Gendo from having her ready just in case Shinji backed down which seems rather ungainly considering she was bound to a hospital bed. What is clear is that a clear sense of logic is not one of the requirements for NERV commander.

On the subject of the NERV commander, one must admire his ruthlessness in attaining what he desires, very much at the expense of his minions. Yet if one of his minions were to hypothetically disagree with Gendo then all the NERV commander would need to do was to ask for a better idea at which point said minion would be screwed. Considering the case in point, assuming Shinji had refused to pilot Unit 01, all Gendo would have to say is, "Got a better idea?" Shinji would be incapable of answering that question as logically, the best thing to go against a giant monster would be a giant robot. Yet nobody had expected for Unit 01 to go berserk like it did. Well, maybe Gendo did. He does seem to know most of NERV's dark and dirty secrets, if not all.

In a far corner of NERV's medical wing, the designated pilot of Evangelion Unit 01 opened his eyes slowly to reveal that he wasn't inside a giant robot anymore. His memory of the incident was somewhat frayed but he did remember receiving an ass-whipping, for lack of an appropriate term. Still, he was alive and well it seemed although he had no idea where he was. A TV could be heard somewhere in the distance playing some talk show or another. Shinji paid no heed to it and simply looked up at the ceiling, which was very unfamiliar to him. The significance of the unfamiliar ceiling was lost on Shinji but he still stared up at it regardless. It held no answers but Shinji had no questions for the ceiling. He would simply let it be and it was likewise for the ceiling.

"Finally awake?" Misato asked jauntily. Shinji slowly turned to face this woman he barely knew, not saying anything as his downtrodden expression could say what words couldn't for him. "I thought I should pay you a visit after what you did," Misato added. "You did a good thing last night Shinji. We're proud of you." Shinji nodded, not really knowing what to say before turning away and wrapping the hospital blanket tighter around himself. It wasn't cold by any stretch of the imagination but Misato saw the sign the Shinji wanted to be left alone. "When you're ready, the hospital will discharge you," Misato said before parting ways with the 14 year old. Shinji wasn't sure what ready was but something told him his life would be changing a fair bit from this day onwards, much like the state of society and the economy in this part of Japan and the country in general. It was appealing for holiday makers with the all-year round summer. However, it was rather less enticing for those wishing to avoid death by Angel.

* * *

Shinji found himself in Misato's living room, not quite knowing what to make of it. His only other roommate was a genetically enhanced penguin and he didn't know if the penguin would serve as a suitable friend, being of a different species and all. That left Misato who was seemingly on a mission to consume copious amounts of beer in front of Shinji while explaining responsibilities of all things to him. The irony was sadly lost on Shinji. "So those are the chores that I would probably expect you to do," Misato said before finishing yet another can of lager.

"Isn't that…every possible chore in the house?" Shinji inquired nervously, unsure whether he was doing the right thing by speaking up or simply on the way to offending his new guardian with the implication that she was a lazy alcoholic.

"Yup," Misato replied gleefully. "I expect you to do anything and everything. Except drink. Leave that to me."

"I didn't say I wanted to…"

"Good! That leaves all the beer to me!" Misato said, content that she could strike a hard bargain. "Hey, why don't you lighten up? Without me, you'd be living in some crappy NERV allocated accommodation that would just be terribly dreary!"

Shinji's only viable response was to slowly turn his head towards Misato's living room. Misato responded by doing the same only to see that her flat was messy to many, many orders of magnitude. The piles of bin bags, empty beer cans, dishes, bowls, the odd fork in the wall and scattered piles of paperwork caused Misato to rethink her position on Shinji's choice of accommodation. "Um…okay, so my place is a little messy but you'd be living on your own otherwise," Misato said, laughing nervously. "Could I tempt you with beer?"

"I thought you wanted it all for yourself," Shinji muttered.

"Well, since you are dissatisfied with the cleanliness of the property, I might have to reconsider my position," Misato pointed out.

"It's okay," Shinji said. "I might just go to bed now."

"What?! Bed?! No way! There are some things you can do but going to bed now at this hour is totally unacceptable!" Misato cried, standing up out of her seat in such a way that her chair flew away backwards.

"It…is?" Shinji asked, very afraid that he had now truly offended his guardian.

"Yes! I bought a Nintendo Wii the other day and ever since I found out that penguins can't play the Wii, I've been looking for someone to play it with! You're not going to bed until you play it for at least 6 hours!" Misato implored loudly.

"But it's half past ten," Shinji said.

"Excuses! Come on, we're going to play the Wii until the early hours of the morning!" Misato declared.

Shinji had no choice by this point. He was afraid to make the suggestion that Misato was drunk which meant he would be playing the Wii whether he liked it or not. "The TV is new as well," Misato chirped gleefully. "60 inches of viewing pleasure!"

"Is a TV this big necessary?" Shinji asked.

"Of course not!" Misato shot back. "But it's nice to have!"

"Nice…" Shinji said to himself quietly. "Something nice…"

"I have Wii Play and Wii Sports which means hours of endless fun!" Misato said. "I hope you have your game face on!"

"I've…I've never played a Wii before," Shinji said.

"What?!" Misato yelled in sheer surprise. "Well then, you're going to looooove this! Get ready for the time of your life!"

* * *

Misato's punctuality record during her period of employment with NERV has immaculate with her never having arrived late for one day of work. Today was no different with Misato arriving a full ten minutes early for her shift. Some may wonder however if sleeping at one's desk can fully count as 'working'. Individuals like a certain Dr Ritsuko Akagi are more than happy to argue that it certainly isn't. "Misato?" she asked.

"Hmm…what? Is there an angel attack?" Misato murmured.

"No, I'm just wondering why you're asleep at your desk, that's all," Ritsuko chuckled, placing a well needed coffee at Misato's side.

"I was playing the Wii until late last night," Misato said, slowly dragging her face across the desk, closer and closer to the coffee.

"The Wii?" Ritsuko asked. "Nintendo Wii right? The games console?"

"That's right," Misato replied, now attempting to get her mouth at the right level of elevation in order to consume the coffee. "I got Shinji to play it as well."

"Oh yeah, it was Shinji's first day at your place. Has he been thoroughly scarred mentally by the experience yet?"

"Shut up," Misato snapped, deciding it was advisable getting up and using her hands to drink the coffee. "For your information, we had a blast and Shinji really got competitive playing the Wii. Um…I do think I accidentally hit him in the face a few times but that's beside the point!"

"Good to know things got off to a good start then."

"One thing surprised me though. Shinji's reactions and coordination are really top notch when he was playing. He sure was concentrating hard," Misato noted.

"Hmm…" Ritsuko said. "How much is a Nintendo Wii?"

"Not much these days," Misato replied.

"Are they within NERV's surplus budget?" Ritsuko inquired next.

"NERV has a surplus budget?" Misato said with a perplex look on her tired face.

"Yes. Didn't you know that? It's for any miscellaneous material or equipment we might require," Ritsuko explained.

"Can I get extra pay from it?"

"No."

"Damn it."

"Well, how many Wiis could I get for a month's allowance of 250 million yen?"

"Enough," Misato replied. "Why do you ask anyway?"

"I have an idea," Ritsuko said, leaving Misato alone to the prospects of coffee, sleep and possibly paperwork although the likelihood of the very latter remained remote.

* * *

Tokyo-3's education was well regarded in Japan, although pupil numbers have been falling as of late. It is hard to encourage students to work hard when there is a risk of worldwide catastrophe looming over their shoulders. The teachers at Tokyo-3's Junior High School did their utmost to keep pupils motivated and focused on their work. Maybe it would be more advisable to put their full effort into trying to extend the life expectancies of the pupils by advising them to get as far away from Tokyo-3 as possibly but that is the risk some have to take in order to be educated. And it is usual fare for schools to receive more government funding if they have more pupils so that remains a factor in this uncertain global climate.

Shinji found himself at Tokyo-3 Junior High School today and it was his first day of schooling there. However, he remained fatigued by the late night of indulgent playing of the Wii and knew that he would struggle to stay awake. It would hardly be a good first impression for his first day at the school but then again, Shinji never really cared too much for studies, always doing just enough to get by but never enough to stand out. It was just the way he wanted things to be and it suited him well. It wasn't indifference, rather simply trying to keep one to one's self most of the time. Shinji was hoping it would be more of the same here.

Shinji was introduced to the class as per the usual routine and took his allotted seat near the front. Some pupils immediately found that there was something odd about Shinji's arrival however. Common sense would imply that it was not the best choice to move to a city that had been attacked by a giant creature the previous night yet here was a new transfer student, arriving against convention. That made several members of the class quite interested in him, namely one Kensuke Aida.

"I wonder if he's the pilot of that robot," he said, pressing his glasses closer to his face.

"If he is I'll beat the living crap out of him and tear his balls off! Then…then I'm going to shove his balls up his ass so the next time he takes a shit, he'll shit all over his balls!" said his classmate and friend, Toji Suzuhara in sheer rage.

"Eloquent, Toji," Kensuke said with his tongue firmly in cheek. "I know your sister got hurt but isn't that a bit excessive? Besides, I doubt a junior high school student would be the pilot of something so important."

"Just thinking about it makes me mad!" Toji said, tightening his grip on the edge of his desk.

With Toji wishing to abbreviate the lifespan of the Evangelion pilot in question, Shinji found himself making enemies without even realising it. Despite that, he was also blissfully unaware of most things around him, having nearly fallen asleep, using his laptop as a cover. However, a quick beep from the in-built instant messaging program on the school's network brought Shinji back to consciousness. 'Are you the pilot?' was the question asked of Shinji to which he replied 'Yes'. An immediate frenzy ensued which caught the teacher by surprise. He was giving a lecture on the quadratic equation but it was clear to him that the presence of an Evangelion pilot seemed more exciting than this mathematical formula which was fundamental to the study of mathematics. "Jeez…kids these days," he muttered. "Giant robots or quadratic equations and they take giant robots…"

The hype was soon quelled by the teacher who made himself a hate figure by doubling the amount of homework the class had to do for the mid-class chaos that had ensued. Still, that gave Toji Suzuhara even more of a reason to beat the crap out of Shinji. "Take that!" he cried as his fist connected with Shinji's face.

"Was that really necessary?" Kensuke asked, considering the consequences of Toji's actions. "You could get caught."

"Do you think I care about something like that when this asshole nearly killed my sister?!" Toji roared as he looked set to continue the beating.

"Toji, he's not moving."

"I don't care if he's not moving I'll…" Toji continued before what Kensuke said actually registered in his brain. "What did you say?"

"I said he's not moving. I think you knocked him out…or even killed him."

"What?!"

It was true. The impact of Toji's punch had sent Shinji hurtling towards the ground and he had not budged an inch since then. "Holy crap! What should I do?!" Toji asked, suddenly in a panic.

"Don't ask me! You're the one who decided to crack him in the skull with that Neanderthal fist of yours!" Kensuke shot back.

"Should we leave him?"

"Leave him? Then you'd be a murder suspect!"

"But he's not dead!"

"How do you know? He could be!"

"Kensuke, check his pulse!"

"Check his pulse?! I don't know how to check someone's pulse!"

"Damn it, I thought you would! Check if he's breathing!"

"Why should I do anything? You're the one who killed him!"

"Stop making me think I killed him!"

"You did!"

"I did?! Holy shit!"

Toji began running around like a moron while Kensuke laughed until his insides hurt. Toji soon realised what was going on and stopped himself. "Why are you laughing?" Toji said, although it was clear to him that he had been taken for a fool.

"I was kidding when I said you killed him!" Kensuke exclaimed. "There's no way he's dead. See?" Kensuke moved up to Shinji's body to check his breathing, only to find that he couldn't quite make it out. "Huh? He should be breathing…" Kensuke said to himself quietly as he moved even closer. "Holy crap! He really isn't breathing!"

"I'm not falling for that again," Toji muttered indignantly.

"No really! Come and hear it for yourself!" Kensuke cried, grabbing a hold of Toji and dragging him toward Shinji. "Listen!"

Toji focused his ears on Shinji, trying to hear any sound whatsoever. It began to worry him when he heard every sound possible except from Shinji's breath. "I can't hear it!" Toji exclaimed. "What should we do, what should we do?"

"Take him to the school nurse!" Kensuke cried.

"What if he's dead?!" Toji asked in a panic.

"Just say he fell over! Now GO!" Kensuke roared. Toji had no time to question the absurdity of Kensuke's suggestion as they picked up Shinji's limp body and ran through the school with him, causing quite the commotion. If Shinji were to join the deceased, then Toji and Kensuke would forever be known as 'those two guys who carried a dead guy through school' which was admittedly not the most desirable reputation in the world. Upon reaching the nurse's office, the pair frantically knocked on her door and left Shinji in her care, explaining to her that he had stopped breathing. Once he was out of their hands, they waited outside the nurse's office, hoping for some good news.

Within a minute, the nurse emerged from her office with an unimpressed look on her face. "I don't know what you boys are yelling about. He was simply asleep. He's awake now," she said.

"Asleep…?" both Toji and Kensuke uttered in absolute disbelief.

"That's right. Also, he has a bruise on the left side of his face and he got it very recently. Any idea where that came from?" the nurse inquired next.

"Um…he…" Kensuke began.

"He fell over!" Toji interjected.

"Riiiight," the nurse muttered sceptically. "Anyway, your friend is free to go." Shinji emerged from the office and looked at both Toji and Kensuke with a perplexed expression. "Hehe, I guess we owe you an apology," Toji said uneasily.

The three began walking and Shinji explained everything to Toji and Kensuke which made things very clear and as well as that, made both feel like complete and utter idiots. "So after I hit you and you fell down, you just fell asleep because you were tired from staying up really late the night before?" Toji asked.

"Something like that," Shinji responded before yawning loudly.

"Then how come you weren't breathing?" Kensuke questioned next.

"Maybe I was just breathing quietly," Shinji suggested.

"Well, one thing's for sure; you scared the living crap out of us. We really thought you were dead," Toji said. "But there is one other thing. I can't forgive you for what you did. My sister is in a critical condition in a hospital because of you in that robot thing."

"Evangelion," Kensuke corrected.

"Shut up," Toji snapped. "So, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I had no intention of hurting anybody and I'm sorry about your sister," Shinji replied lackadaisically. "I just arrived in the city yesterday and I was forced to pilot that thing without even knowing what it was or what I was up against."

"What the…?" Toji said in shock. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah…" Shinji answered before yawning once more. "I don't even remember most of it. It was a mess."

"Whoa…" Toji said.

"Maybe you should cut this guy some slack," Kensuke noted.

"Maybe I should," Toji agreed before turning to face Shinji. "New guy! I want you to punch me!"

"What?" Shinji asked feebly.

"Punch me! It's retribution for me hitting you!" Toji declared. "Do it, or my honour will not be restored!"

"Uh…okay," Shinji said before belting Toji with a clean right hook.

"Wow! That was a cracker!" Kensuke cried.

"Argh…you're telling me," Toji said, clutching his face. "Well, that's us even!"

"Okay…can I find somewhere to sleep now?" Shinji asked.

"Not until you tell me your name!" Toji said.

"Shinji Ikari," was the tired reply.

"I'm Toji Suzuhara!"

"And I'm Kensuke Aida!"

"Nice to meet you…two…" Shinji said before wondering back into the school much in the manner of a zombie.

* * *

After arriving back at Misato's flat, Shinji saw that Misato was already back home having obviously finished her work early for the day. "How was your first day at school?" she inquired of the teenager.

"Some guys thought they killed me," Shinji replied sleepily before trudging off to his room. His response left a blank look on Misato's face as she wasn't expecting an answer quite as obscure as the one she had just received. "Strange kid," Misato said to herself before continuing to flick through TV channels.

* * *

Back at NERV, Ritsuko held a Wii remote and Nunchuk in her hand, running a complex computer simulation in which some of the Eva's motions were controlled by the Wii controllers. Ritsuko bit her lip, determined to make the motions as fluid and natural as possible. Beside her were 58 other Nintendo Wii consoles, along with the additional Nunchuks for each and Ritsuko fully intended to take one of them home with her. Despite the money being spent from NERV's surplus budget, Ritsuko didn't feel guilty at all for the free games console. She would have to buy the games on her own which was all right in her mind. With her skewed sense of morality by her side, Ritsuko continued twiddling with the code, knowing she would have a long day and possibly night ahead of her.

Dr Ritsuko Akagi was the kind of worker most companies dreamed to have. As well as being highly qualified for her post, she would work excessive overtime while at the same time, not bothering to ask for the pay for those extra hours worked. Such selflessness was highly appreciated by CEOs and managers and they would repay such good work by doing absolutely nothing at all and getting richer from the increase in productivity. With NERV being a non-profit organisation, the benefits of Ritsuko working silly amounts of overtime would be that there was less chance that mankind would cease to exist so in this case, there were 3 billion winners, i.e.: the post Second Impact population of planet Earth.

After an intense overnight shift which Ritsuko wasn't meant to work, she took two steps backwards from the modified Wii console in front of her and nodded her head. The first version of her code for using the Wii Remote and the Nunchuk as control inputs for Unit 01 were complete. All she needed was to install it into Unit 01 and see if Shinji could utilise it. If everything went smoothly, she would take the good and bad points from the test and improve the programming for the system. If it flopped completely then she wasted a night she could have spent at home, smoking cigarettes and drinking wine whilst stroking her cats. However, she was quietly confident it would work.

"Good morning Ritsuko!" Misato chirped. "You're here early."

"I was in all night," Ritsuko replied flatly. "Is Shinji in?"

"You were in…all…night?" Misato asked with a quiet, horrified tone.

"Yes. Is Shinji in?" Ritsuko asked again.

"No, he's at school," Misato answered.

"When is he next meant to be in NERV?"

"Well, we can have him come in after school today."

"See to it that it is done. I'm going to sleep. If an angel attacks and you don't need me, don't wake me up," Ritsuko requested before walking off.

"Strange woman," Misato noted with a raised eyebrow.

Misato was the complete opposite in terms of work ethic. If there was an opportunity to leave early or to not do anything at all, Misato would take it without thinking about any consequences such as being fired for being lazy and incompetent. Well, perhaps incompetent is misused in the context of Misato Katsuragi. She could do her job and she could do it damn well when she chose to do it. It was just that most of the time when matters aren't as pressing as when an Angel is trying to obliterate the human species, Misato would rather spend an hour on Facebook than spend an hour filling in damage reports or her daily report. Incidentally, her daily report had never been filled in once since she had begun working at NERV until the first Angel attack which prompted her to fill out a daily report. She didn't fill one in the day after the Angel attack as nothing interesting happened and seeing that a friend of her's status on Facebook had changed from 'single' to 'in a relationship' was much more fulfilling than doing the boring part of her job.

* * *

Shinji found himself back in NERV after school, albeit in a less essential capacity, and wondered what the day held in store for him. He changed into his plug suit as requested and moved to the simulation chamber where Unit 01 had been moved in order for today's test to be conducted. "How do you feel?" Dr Akagi inquired was Shinji was inside Unit 01.

"It…it smells like blood," Shinji noted.

"Um…okay," Ritsuko said uneasily. "Nothing an LCL soluble air freshener can't solve."

"Ritsuko, that makes no sense," Misato noted. "Why would you use an air freshener for liquid like LCL?"

"Um…I don't know. I'm just trying to keep a conversation going," Ritsuko said sheepishly.

"Just do whatever you're here to do. Time is money," Misato pointed out.

"Says the person who spent half an hour yesterday trying to log into my Facebook account so that you could 'rape' it," Ritsuko scoffed.

"Hey, if you've ever raped someone's Facebook account, you'll know that the end product is hilarious," Misato said.

"You give yourself far too much spare time," Ritsuko said with an added sigh at the end. "Okay Shinji, look inside your entry plug. You should find a Wii Remote and Nunchuk."

"A Wii Remote…and Nunchuk…?" Shinji asked with a slight level of disbelief.

"That's right. A Wii Remote and Nunchuk. Pick them up and get ready for me to start the simulation," Ritsuko replied.

Shinji did as he was told and reluctantly picked up the Wii Controllers. "Okay, the simulation should be running," Ritsuko said. "Now walking will be controlled using the usual method but the arms will be controlled with a combination of the A10 neural connection and the Wii Controllers. Do you understand?"

"I…think so," Shinji replied feebly.

"Admit it; you wanted to say 'no' but didn't have the balls," Misato muttered dryly.

"Shut up," Ritsuko snapped. "Anyway, Shinji try and move your arms."

It was a simple request but as Shinji hadn't quite got the hang of piloting the Eva, it took several attempts to move into full gear. Once he had achieved that, he was moving his arms very freely indeed. "Maya, what's his sync ratio?" Ritsuko inquired.

"It's holding steady at 50 percent," Maya Ibuki replied.

"That's amazing. Such precise arm movement at only 50 percent sync," Ritsuko noted. "Okay Shinji, I'm going to introduce an arbitrary object into the simulation. I want you to pick it up, and throw it."

As with most tests in the Evangelion, this simple task was just one of hundreds which Shinji had to go through over the course of two hours. From picking objects up to a virtual game of Connect 4, Shinji had to do it all. There was even a simulation of which involved Unit 01 holding a Wii Remote and Nunchuk using the Wii Remote and Nunchuk combination from within the entry plug which Shinji found even more pointless than any of the other tests he had performed. The final test was a simulated game of tennis where Shinji had to combine foot movements and arm movements to hit back the virtual ball. He enjoyed this one the most because he was doing something that was actually mentally stimulating, rather than something that was slowing steeping him closer to mental retardation.

"Okay Shinji. That's it for today. Thanks a lot, we got a lot of valuable data," Ritsuko said before turning to Misato with a smug grin on her face. "Well, impressed or what?"

"Ritsuko Akagi, you're the only person I will ever know who thought it was a good idea to use Nintendo Wii Controllers as a mechanism for controlling the last line of defence against the destruction of mankind," Misato said.

"I'll take that as a yes," Ritsuko said with a chuckle.

"Crazy, crazy woman," Misato added.

"Well, it's a fact that the British army used Xbox 360 controllers to control aerial drones. That's right, I've done my homework."

"That just proves the British are as crazy as you are," Misato said. Ritsuko laughed once more as Misato left the testing area and while Misato tried her best to seem like it didn't impress her, in reality she wondered what Ritsuko would think if she asked her to secretly make an Evangelion Wii game. It seemed a fun prospect for the NERV Operations Officer.

Hence, another loser of this crisis was Nintendo. NERV's usage of their Wii console would be top secret and even if Nintendo found out, suing NERV for a copyright infringement would be impossible as NERV would simply send an Evangelion to crush Nintendo headquarters, leaving Mario without a home. So with Nintendo unknowingly not making as much money as they quite deserved, another day passed in this crazy global climate with Shinji Ikari not quite sure what to make of the fact that his life and death struggle was beginning to feel just like a Wii game.


	2. Cloverfield? No! Evangelifield!

**Chapter 2: Cloverfield? No! Evangelifield!  
**

Car sales had hit rock bottom and had been for several years. It wasn't a good few years to be in the car industry and just as a recovery was evident above the horizon, Tokyo-3 was attacked by an Angel which caused stocks to plummet and the market to crash. The car industry has traditionally suffered the most and it was no different here. No one wanted to produce automobiles and few felt the need to buy a vehicle that would probably be stepped on the next day by Angel or Evangelion. Regardless of what was at fault, the car would remain just as squashed either way. However, one mechanic's garage in downtown Tokyo-3 seemed to always get constant business from one car owner who's continued custom at the garage kept them going as a business.

"Is that all Miss Katsuragi?" the mechanic asked.

"Yes, that is," Misato replied with a nervous smile. "Erm…how much will that be?"

"Well, it was a pretty big job. It was about 25,000 Yen for just the body repairs. Then there's the gearbox, the clutch, the suspension, one of the pistons…"

"Okay, just tell me how much," Misato interjected impatiently.

"75,000 Yen," the mechanic replied in a deadpan voice.

"Seventy-five…thousand…?" Misato uttered in a voice most would use when finding out that a love one had passed away.

"That's right."

"Can you put that…on a…tab, or something?" Misato asked nervously.

"25 grand deposit and you can pay the rest by credit with no interest. I'm only giving you such a good offer because you've been such a good customer over the years," the mechanic said with a smile.

"You sir, have yourself a deal! I knew I could count on you!" Misato exclaimed joyously.

"I might even be the only one you can count on. Everybody's either going bust or packing up and leaving town," the mechanic.

"Tell me about it," Misato said, whilst slowly grabbing two 10,000 Yen notes along with a 5000 Yen note out of her purse. She cringed seeing the money passed on to other hands but knew it was necessary to keep her beloved car running. "You know," the mechanic said once the money had been exchanged, "it might have been cheaper had you had a newer car."

"I know that, but I love this thing. Over twenty years old and still runs like a dream," Misato said. "Well, it'll run like a dream now that you've worked your magic on it!"

"Gee, thanks Miss! Anyway, take good care of it. You don't want to be back here too soon now, do ya?"

"Right you are. Thanks a tonne."

Misato drove her newly repaired pride and joy through the streets of Tokyo-3 once more, only to notice the after affects of the first ever battle with an Angel were all too evident all around the city. Repair work of allsorts was in progress from lampposts to skyscrapers. Nothing seemed to avoid the wake of devastation left from NERV's supposed defence of the city. Misato frowned when she saw the shattered windows of a local bakery, shattered like the livelihoods of the people who owned the bakery. Misato understood that in these pressing times, there was a good chance these people would not be able to afford the repairs and would simply have to close down or try to sell their shop and move somewhere else. Then again, Misato considered the alternative where the outlook was just as bright. If Unit 01 didn't fight at the expense of damaged buildings and livelihoods, there wouldn't be a human race left. That was bad for small businesses. If humanity were to be wiped out, then there would be no one left to sell to.

The bigger picture. This mythical creature waited for nobody. Once the bigger picture was considered, anybody in its way will be devoured and spat out without thought. When the bigger picture was the survival of the human race, people tended to pay attention. Misato wished somehow that people like that baker weren't so badly affected. In fact, she was so concerned about the issue that she performed an illegal u-turn in the middle of the road at a red traffic light which caused several vehicles to swerve out of the way in order to avoid her car just to speak to the baker in question.

Once questioned, he simply laughed and said, "Are you kidding? The money NERV are giving to me in compensation is like a lottery win!"

Misato was quickly on her way and incredibly annoyed to find that all you needed to get extra money these days was to get your home damaged by an Evangelion. Suddenly, the thought of this provided Misato with an appealing idea. She would just have to get Shinji in on the act.

* * *

"So you want me to take Eva 'out for a spin' before 'damaging' your flat?" Shinji asked with a heightened look of bemusement worn on his young face.

"Something like that," Misato confirmed with a nod of the head. "Or even during the next time an Angel shows up, maybe if you could just give the flat a quick nudge? Nothing too serious."

"Um…don't I have enough to think about in Eva, like, uh, fighting the Angel?" Shinji asked cautiously. His habitation at Misato's property was still in its infancy which made Shinji very careful with his words as not to offend his guardian. "That's a good point, actually," Misato noted. "You might want to forget it while fighting an Angel. Let's stick to taking Eva for a spin."

"Am I allowed to?" Shinji inquired, his curiosity getting the better of him. It would be quite a feat to take it to school one day. Chicks dig giant robots. "I can authorise it," Misato replied with a smile. "Come to think of it, I'd probably get fired if I let you loose in Eva."

"Also, you work for NERV. Would they even compensate you with money?" Shinji asked.

"That is a good question, actually," Misato said, deciding to pursue this further.

* * *

Further pursuit was at work that evening for the night shift. "Compensation claims for damaged property?" Ritsuko said, just as bemused as Shinji was when Misato brought up the suggestion earlier in the day. "I'm not too sure. Financial stuff doesn't usually come anywhere near the Science Section."

"You knew about the NERV surplus budget," Misato pointed out.

"I thought everybody knew," Ritsuko said.

"In case you're wondering about compensation pay outs," said Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki, who happened to have overheard the conversation, "they are organised by the PR Section to keep people happy and their mouths shut. It's just a public relations stunt."

"Well, there you have it, Misato," Ritsuko said with a smile. "Why'd you ask anyway?"

Misato completely ignored Ritsuko's question and turned to the Sub-Commander, "Sir, let's say, hypothetically, my home was damaged by an Angel or Eva. Would I receive a pay out?"

"No," Fuyutsuki replied before walking away, leaving behind a very distraught Misato.

"Well, that sucks balls," Misato muttered.

"If you want more money, then maybe you should just work two jobs," Ritsuko offered facetiously.

"Maybe I should kill one of your cats," Misato shot back.

"Okay, I'm not speaking to you."

"Fine."

* * *

The commander's office was place where light was a scarce commodity. It was perfect for Gendo Ikari as the darkness allowed him to brood in a way only Gendo Ikari could brood. Still, if he were to move on from the highly desirable location of the GeoFront, this office would definitely not be a selling point. In fact, if one were to give a tour of the NERV facility to a potential buyer, it may be advisable to avoid showing this part altogether. The deepest, darkest depths of NERV made for a better selling point that this office and that really was saying something. Not to mention the markings of a Tree of Sephiroth that were incidentally part of the recipe for the Human Instrumentality Project. One might think that putting the blueprint for the end of living as separate human beings on the ceiling of your already dark and dingy office was ill-advised. Gendo Ikari must think very much to the contrary.

"Did you know that 59 Nintendo Wii games consoles were bought with NERV's surplus budget?" Fuyutsuki asked, breaking a long and prolonged silence.

"NERV has a…surplus budget?" responded Gendo with a slowly uttered question of his own.

"You mean…you didn't know?" was Fuyutsuki's comeback to Gendo's very confused query.

"No…how much money is in it?"

"It's a monthly allowance of 250 million Yen."

"250…million?"

It was an extraordinary amount of money for something that was simply considered as 'surplus'. However, there was no such thing as miscellaneous funds in Gendo Ikari's mind. If there was money to be spent, it should be spent and it should be spent without hesitation. While 250 million Yen would do little in the way of major repairs on the Evangelions, it could at least be used for something. "What could we spend that money on?" Gendo inquired, tantalised by the thought that he had so much financial power waiting to be capitalised upon.

"It's the surplus budget so anything that's surplus to NERV's actual requirements can be purchased with the money," Fuyutsuki replied. In business terms it made no sense whatever. Surplus funds and profits were almost always plunged straight back into what made the profits in the first place or in some cases, due to overzealous capitalism, bonuses for CEOs. However, for whatever reason, most likely its responsibility in defending humanity, NERV was allowed such a tremendous amount of money for any extra they felt they needed.

"What has been bought using this surplus money?" was the Commander's next question.

"Nothing until those games consoles were bought by an unnamed figure of the Science Section," Fuyutsuki answered. It was at that point that the very scientist who had purchased those consoles appeared in the commander's office. "Sir, the new Eva control interface is ready to be demonstrated," she reported.

"Very well. We shall be down to inspect your system shortly," said Commander Ikari. The blonde scientist about faced and left the commanders with a very good question indeed. "How the bloody hell did she get in? I thought you closed the door," Fuyutsuki said.

"I thought you did," was Gendo's counter.

"That'll be it," Fuyutsuki muttered with a cringed. Had that been an assassin sent by SEELE, the both of them would have died of odd cases of brain haemorrhages induced by 9mm parabellum rounds. Of course, SEELE had no cause to remove them now. In fact, they would most likely be hampering their efforts to merge humanity into one by killing the NERV commanders. A comparable analogy would be to run a factory and kill all your workers.

* * *

The demonstration was a boring and tedious affair for all parties involved except for Dr Akagi who excelled in leaving her audience jaded simply from the experience of listening to her for an extended period of time. Misato had fallen asleep within ten minutes which was understandable as the operations officer had already seen the new control interface at work in a test which was almost as tedious as this presentation Ritsuko was giving. Eventually, when she did get to the crux of her demonstration, the Commander was immediately sceptical.

"Nintendo Wii controllers?" Gendo asked with a raised eyebrow. "So Evangelion Unit 01 is controlled by a games console?"

"Heavily modified, sir. If you recall I explained how it was used in conjunction with the A10 nerve connections…"

"I wasn't paying attention," butted in the Commander.

"Oh…" said a suddenly disheartened Ritsuko. She had been giving it her all only to find out that practically nobody in her small audience had been paying attention until she brought up the contentious point where she indicated that a games console would be involved in the piloting of the Evangelion. "What is the point of spending millions of Yen and conducting countless hours of research on how to control such an unstable machine when you simply intend to make it like a child's game? Do you understand what you're proposing?" the Commander inquired harshly.

"I know exactly what I'm proposing Commander and for the pilot of Unit 01, using a combination of the A10 nerve connections and the Wii controllers enhances his reactions by 45 percent and his overall combat ability by 37 percent. These margins are huge when you consider that only 20,000 Yen was spent on the console and for the necessary modifications. The original system would require a much larger sum of money, as well as more man power and hours in terms of research," Ritsuko explained.

"We'll believe it when we see it," Fuyutsuki said.

"That's what I intend to do," the blonde doctor pointed out.

Queue Shinji in Unit 01 running a very difficult battle scenario. He had rehearsed this countless of times and he had grown quite a liking to the Wii Remote and Nunchuk combination. It made controlling the Eva feel more natural, instead of having to think about absolutely everything you wanted to do. There were some movements that made piloting as a whole feel more natural. It also made piloting the Eva feel more like a game too, which worried Shinji a bit. If it felt like a game, then there was a chance that Shinji wouldn't care about the well-being of himself and others. He would have to compensate for that with sheer mental power which he possessed very little of in his fractured psychological state.

"I've seen enough," said Gendo after just one minute of Shinji's simulation. "I approve of the new system. Dr Akagi?"

"Yes sir?" Ritsuko said.

"If you find something that works and works well, don't bother demonstrating it to us. Just do it," Gendo ordered before leaving.

"What a cold bastard," Ritsuko muttered under her breath. "Misato can you believe that?" However, as Misato was still asleep, she didn't grace Ritsuko with a reply, instead providing the doctor with an incredibly unpleasant snore for her troubles. "Not you as well, Misato," Ritsuko said with a sad sigh. It just seemed that nobody seemed to share the same excitement she did about her breakthrough in Evangelion control interface technology, conveniently slowly from Nintendo. She hadn't noticed that the simulation was still running and Shinji was left screaming from his entry plug for someone to end it. He, like most sane individuals, would rather not be trapped inside a giant robot fighting simulated enemies for the next few days.

* * *

Shinji was left panting for breath with cramp running up straight through his arms. "You're lucky I fell asleep there so that I could turn the simulation off for you when I woke up," Misato chirped happily. Shinji would have retorted had he not been completely out of breath. In the process of turning off the simulation, Misato had done what was commonly referred to as 'button-bashing', causing the intensity of the simulation to increase exponentially. Shinji was left fighting a hundred copies of the same angel and had been putting up a valiant fight before Misato had realised there was an off switch, clearly marked and positioned in such a place that it was impossible _not_ to find. Still, Misato had completely missed it and pressed random buttons and flicked random switches to provide Shinji with hell on earth. And because it felt fairly real, Shinji felt his life actually was at stake. It was a good reminder that Wii Controllers did not indeed make it a game.

"Are you okay?" Misato asked, just noticing that Shinji was breathing quite quickly.

"I'm…I'm going for a shower," Shinji replied before walking off. However, before he had even walked three steps, alarms began blaring all throughout NERV. For Shinji, the prospect of fighting an angel didn't compare to smelling as bad as he did at the moment. All he wanted was a shower so he could wash off the sweat caused by fighting a hundred simulated angels at once. "Looks like that shower will have to wait, Shinji," Misato said. Shinji sighed and trudged off to the cage so that he could climb into Unit 01 and fight a real Angel this time. His luck was clearly against him. All he wanted was to kill this angel so that he could have a shower.

* * *

This battle was the perfect opportunity for Ritsuko to see the new Wii control interface at work in real life. They kept the old system installed just in case but Ritsuko doubted that it would be necessary to use it. With all things in place, all that was needed was for Unit 01 to be launched and for Shinji to fight the angel. It seemed a simple enough task for Ritsuko to think about yet it never quite occurred to her that sitting in the entry plug of the Evangelion and fending for your life in something you still didn't quite understand wasn't as easy as it looked. And to be totally and utterly honest, it didn't look easy at all. In fact, it looked excruciatingly difficult. However, as always according to human nature, Ritsuko had succumbed to placing her personal goals above the safety of others.

"Shinji!" Misato cried, watching helplessly as Unit 01 was knocked back over 200 metres from the Angel's first strike. This Angel took a completely different form to that of the previous one. Where that one had been a large, black humanoid figure, this Angel was distinctly scorpion like. However, in the place of pincers, this Angel possessed large whip like appendages that scorched anything they touched. So far, Shinji had found no luck with this angel and despite the new control interface allowing him more freedom of movement, it wasn't quite enough to counteract the inherent inexperience Shinji had at saving the world. "I'm…okay," Shinji said, bringing Unit 01 to its feet slowly and steadily.

Meanwhile, at street level, a simple blunder at following directions had brought two individuals from Shinji's class right in the line of fire. "I thought you said that path took us up to the hill! We're in the middle of the city!" cried Toji angrily.

"I swear that was the right path. Maybe it was left instead of right," Kensuke thought out loud.

"It doesn't matter! We have to get the hell out of here!" Toji snapped.

"Holy crap! There they are! I have to film this!" Kensuke exclaimed, noticing how close the Angel and Unit 01 were fighting relative to their location and not quite noticing the danger it presented to him.

"What? Are you nuts?! We have to get our asses outta here!" As Toji went to grab his deluded friend, the Angel was heading right for them and only thin air stood in the way of it. Toji saw his life flash right before his eyes as the Angel was about to collapse right on top of the both of them.

* * *

"As you can see from the video footage, the two civilians were precariously close to the scene of the battle. An ill-advised move, to say the least," said a very annoyed Misato. It was the battle's debriefing and both Toji and Kensuke were sitting on either side of Shinji who looked very much worse for ware. Kensuke's camera had been confiscated and Misato was using the footage to show the pair of them just exactly how idiotic they were. They watched as Unit 01 had grabbed the Angel just as it was about to fall on top of them. Misato had made sure the volume was extra loud so that they could hear themselves screaming for their lives to reiterate the point that they were morons. Next, they saw the Angel flying off to one side and Unit 01 extending out a hand.

"This is Captain Katsuragi from NERV! I want you two to get inside, NOW!" was what blared from Unit 01's external speakers. The camera view began shaking as the pair ran onto Unit 01's hand to be placed on its back so that they could access the now exposed entry plug. "I sound pretty good on camera," Misato added with a smile. Ritsuko cringed at Misato's statement. Even when she was trying to be serious, Misato always had the potential to come out with something as exasperatingly ridiculous as that. "What, water?" Toji had cried.

"My camera!" Kensuke exclaimed, only to find his camera had continued to work in the LCL of the entry plug. "Shinji!"

"Watch out!" Toji yelled.

The camera footage jarred for a moment as Unit 01 was struck hard by the angel while Shinji's screams could be heard in the background. "Oh my god…Shinji! Are you okay? Answer me man!" Toji asked desperately.

"It's coming again!" Kensuke cried. Once again, the camera footage was left scrambled from an incredibly rough impact. The feed returned to show the Angel's whip like arms appearing to go straight through the body of Unit 01. Shinji was hyperventilating at this point, as well as grunting and crying out in pain.

"This is like watching _Cloverfield_," Kensuke noted while watching the footage.

"It is, isn't it?" Misato agreed. "Ritsuko…"

"No Misato, we can't make it into a movie and release it into cinemas worldwide," interrupted Dr Akagi with a tired sigh. She had read Misato's thoughts perfectly which brought forward a frustrated huff from the operations officer before the two of them focused their attention on the screen. She had thought the idea of _Evangelifield_ was quite an appealing one.

"Shinji, you gotta do something!" Toji had urged.

"I'm trying…" the pilot uttered softly before moving his hands with the Wii Controllers held firmly. The Evangelion's response to this action was to pull out its prog knife and stab the Angel firmly in the core. After some prolonged screaming from Shinji, the Angel had been killed and everybody was safe and happy, except Shinji of course who always came worse off.

Misato switched the projector off and said, "Now children, what lesson have we learned from watching this video?"

"Uh…fighting Angels is like _Cloverfield_?" Toji offered weakly.

"No! We have learned that the two of you are morons who should have never been out on the street!" Misato cried. "Shinji has a job to do and it's a tough one so it's best you leave him to it without running about in the street like headless chickens."

"Yes ma'am," replied both Toji and Kensuke, feeling very humbled by the NERV operations officer.

"Now, any questions?" Misato inquired.

"Um, yes," Kensuke said after raising his hand. "Do I get my camera back?"

"Due to the sensitive nature of what was filmed on it, no. It belongs to NERV now and because you two were such idiots, you're getting no compensation," Misato replied.

"Um, Misato, actually he does," Ritsuko replied. "It falls in line with NERV's PR policy. Any civilians caught in any circumstance of fighting who has property damaged or lost will receive monetary compensation greater or equal to the value of that damage or loss."

Misato cringed very, very hard and said, "You…have…got…to be kidding…me!"

"So I'll…get money for a new camera?" Kensuke asked.

"Yes," replied Ritsuko. "Now I suggest you two leave before you agitate Captain Katsuragi even more."

"Yes ma'am," said the two before they hastily made their exit, escorted by NERV security personnel.

Shinji was left thoroughly shaken by again experiencing near-death. Nobody appeared to be slightly perturbed by it thought which left Shinji wondering whether anybody cared at all. All Ritsuko seemed to care about is that her Wii system worked and Misato seemed be caught up in the idea of making _Cloverfield 2_, or _Evangelifield_ using footage from Shinji's second ordeal with an angel. Shinji wondered how people could be so selfish as to ignore what he had gone through and what he had been made to do. "Anyway, that's us for today," Misato said. "Good job, Shinji. I'll see you back home."

"…Thanks," Shinji said quietly.

"Well done Shinji. You pulled it off again," added Ritsuko before going her separate way. Somehow, after being recognised for doing what he did, Shinji felt better about himself and it almost made his ordeal worth it. It was exactly what he was waiting for. Ironically, that made him as selfish as everybody else. And just like everyone else, Shinji didn't care one bit.

* * *

Shinji walked to school in the morning with the pleasant view of a dead Angel in the distance. It added something biological to the skyline of Tokyo-3 and the smell of rotting flesh added to the city air which had originally just consisted of car exhaust fumes. It was an odd feeling to think that he was the one who had killed that Angel. Not some other person. Shinji had become that other person and in doing so, felt a small sense of achievement. Still, the path to that achievement was on riddled with pain and the constant risk of death. Yet Shinji found no reason to stop doing it. Nobody had told him to stop and it seemed he was finally climbing his way out of obscurity by being an Eva pilot.

"I can't believe what happened!" Kensuke exclaimed.

"Shut up. It was your fault," Toji said.

"I can't believe that we were actually inside the Evangelion!" Kensuke added.

"Shut up. We nearly died," Toji muttered.

"I can't believe…"

"SHUT UP!"

Shinji began laughing at the exchange that went on between the two which left both Toji and Kensuke very annoyed. "I don't know what you're laughing about! You're the one who suffered the worst!" Toji snapped.

"Sorry…it's just you two," Shinji said weakly as he continued to laugh. While Toji and Kensuke were perplexed as to what Shinji found funny, the pilot of Unit 01 found it cathartic to laugh, something he hadn't done in a very long time. "Some friend you'll make," Kensuke muttered.

"Friend?" Shinji asked on the tail end of his laughter.

"Sure. Friendship is the least we could offer you for saving our skin," Toji replied with a goofy smile. And for once, despite the crumbling economy and morale levels in Tokyo-3, not to mention the added decoration of a dead Angel in the middle of the city, stinking the whole place out, Shinji was happy.


End file.
